I was bored. Really, really bored. Which is hard to do, because I’m entertained by pretty much anything you put in front of me. I’m easy. If it’s on TV, I’ll probably watch it.
So there I am, bored, on the couch, a little sick, a little groggy, and what do I stumble upon? Epic Movie, that’s what.
Now there are some great spoof movies. Airplane!, I’m Gonna Git You Sucka, and Not Another Teen Movie (which is the last great spoof movie—if you don’t believe me, watch it, that shit is gold) spring readily to mind. Epic Movie does not belong in the same category with any of these other movies. Realistically I didn’t expect it to be good. I didn’t even expect to laugh much. But, especially in my semi-delirious state of mind, I thought I would laugh a little. Yeah, that didn’t happen. Instead I just got sad when I remembered that Crispin Glover is in this movie for some reason. That was a bummer.
After watching Epic Movie I felt bad about the choices I’ve made in my life that led me to the moment where I thought, “maybe I should watch Epic Movie.” Even by my extraordinarily low standards this movie is a waste of time. It isn’t funny, the jokes and references are forced and awkward, and that’s all the time I’m going to devote to thinking about it, otherwise I may start to cry.
In the future, when time travel is available to the general public, I fully intend to go back to the moment in my living room right before I pushed play, and stop myself from making this terrible mistake. I want to erase this ugly chapter from my memory. My life will be better for it.