Friday, March 25, 2011

'Sucker Punch' Movie Review

Watching “Sucker Punch” is like watching some creepy old dude’s rape fantasy masquerading as a female empowerment story for young women. Apparently all teenage-looking girls need to do to transcend sexual assault is to do a seductive (read awkward) dance to hypnotize their would-be attackers and flee into their imaginations. One of the five female leads is almost raped every few minutes. People are going to describe “Sucker Punch” with words like “hot”, “sexy”, and “sensual”, but more accurate words are gross and skeevy, not to mention painfully long and repetitious.

Friday, March 18, 2011

'Paul' Movie Review

As a concept, “Paul” has more potential than any film to come around the bend in a long, long time. First and foremost the film stars Simon Pegg and Nick Frost, who also handled the scripting duties, and since Pegg is largely responsible for movies like “Shaun of the Dead” and “Hot Fuzz”, you can’t be blamed for expecting big things. Add Greg Mottola (“Superbad”, “Adventureland”) to this mix, and you seem like you’re well on your way to something wonderful.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

'Fubar: Balls to the Wall' Movie Review

If you haven’t seen “Fubar” I only have one question for you. What the hell, man, are you serious? I’m not kidding around when I say these words, drop whatever you’re doing (and lets be honest, if you’re reading this, whatever you were doing wasn’t very important to begin with) and go rent it immediately. It’s one of those movies that as soon as I saw it for the first time I sat down everyone I encountered for the next week and forced them to watch it. And then they made everyone watch it, and they made everyone watch it, and it was like a giant pyramid scheme, only so, so good. One friend spent the entire movie gawking at the screen, giggling like a simple-minded idiot-boy, which in my book counts as glowing praise.

Friday, March 11, 2011

'Red Riding Hood' Movie Review

Here is all you really need to know about “Red Riding Hood”—Gary Oldman tortures a retarded boy in what is best described as a giant metal torture elephant. You may need a moment to digest this information, but rest assured, Gary Oldman does in fact torture a retarded boy in a giant metal torture elephant. Here’s how the device works. The intended torture victim, retarded or not, is locked inside a hollow metal elephant. A fire is then lit underneath to heat up the metal, and, in this case, broil the young, screaming boy inside. Perhaps this contraption has other applications, but this is the only one you see in the film.

'Battle: Los Angeles' Movie Review

Over the years movies have taught many important lessons, chief among these are don’t retire, never retire, nothing good will come of it. Everyone knows that the moment you announce you’re about to retire is the moment when the universe starts trying to kill you with gusto. Danny Glover learned this the hard way many times over in the “Lethal Weapon” franchise. Aaron Eckhart should have learned from Danny Glover, for the Glover is wise, but alas, he did not, and when he tries to retire aliens invade the earth and wreck up the joint in the badass new sci-fi actioner “Battle: Los Angeles”. He should have known better.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

'The Walking Dead Season One' DVD Review

The Show:

Robert Kirkman's “The Walking Dead” is one of the best monthly comics in recent memory. Though it may be about zombies on the surface, like the best of the genre, the heart of the story is the human element. Kirkman uses the plague of the undead to heighten and intensify the emotions and personalities of his characters. When faced with the destruction of everything you know, you find out who people really are, and what is really important. Frank Darabont’s adaptation of “The Walking Dead” for AMC shares this outlook, was an enormous popular and critical success, and Season One has just hit DVD/Blu-ray.

Friday, March 4, 2011

'The Adjustment Bureau' Movie Review

Spooky little dudes in fedoras secretly run the world. Didn’t know that, did you? At least if George Nolfi’s “The Adjustment Bureau”, and adaptation of a short story by Philip K. Dick, is to be believed. They may be angels; they’ve apparently been called a lot of things. But whatever else they may be, they are little more than mid-level bureaucrats, middle management suck ups who operate behind the scenes, subtly tweaking the destinies of the unsuspecting populous to make sure everything happens according to “the plan” written by “the Chairman”.

'Beastly' Movie Review

There are certain stories that are told and retold on screen, generation after generation. “Cinderella” is one, and “Romeo and Juliet” is another. “Beauty and the Beast” also belongs to this club. My personal favorite version is the Ron Perlman/Linda Hamilton TV joint from the mid 80s, but much of my generation is enamored with the animated Disney rendition, and has a special place set aside in their collective hearts for that film. Now I have love for Angela Lansbury, and who can forget Jerry Orbach (RIP), and who am I to tell an entire generation that they’re wrong, so I’ll chalk this up to individual preferences. I firmly believe that time will prove me right.

'Take Me Home Tonight' Movie Review

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