Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Mega Piranha

Mega Piranha is amazing. I’m not going to get into the story or plot or the lengths the producers go to hide the fact that Tiffany (yes, that Tiffany) has packed on a few pounds since her teen-pop-tart days. None of the usual stuff is important. None of it matters when you’re trying to decide whether or not to watch Mega Piranha.

You probably already know whether or not you’re going to watch it just from the title, but here are a few things that may further influence your decision. One, a guy who looks like a lost O’Connell brother bicycle kicks a dozen or more flying genetically engineered super piranha. Two, there are genetically engineered super piranha the size of buildings. Three, if you are lucky enough to have the actual DVD and don’t just stumble across it on SyFy late one night, you will see some unnecessary boobs in the opening scene. There is nothing particularly special about these unnecessary boobs, but when you watch “Making of Mega Piranha” feature in the bonus material, the line producer (who, despite having never worked on anything of any value to anyone ever, seems to think that he is hot shit) tells the story of how these unnecessary boobs came to be. Turns out that the crew was in Belize and “needed” a couple of actresses to go topless. (Apparently I was wrong and the boobs are actually quite important to the movie.) They were having trouble finding local actresses willing to remove their tops, a reticence I completely understand, so line producer went to a whorehouse and bought two prostitutes who had no problem letting a bunch of foreigners film them naked on a boat while pretending to be eaten by genetically enhanced fish. (It is probably not the weirdest thing that they’ve been asked to do.) So, whilst watching Mega Piranha, know with certainty that the unnecessary boobs in the opening scene are not just unnecessary, they belong to prostitutes, real prostitutes. You aren’t just looking at boobs, you are looking at hooker boobs.

If none of that makes you want to watch Mega Piranha, then you probably don’t want to watch it. But be honest, you never had any intention of watching it anyway, so why lie? On the other hand, if any of that sounds like a good time, if you watched and enjoyed Mega Shark Vs. Giant Octopus or any of the Boa Vs. Python movies, or if you’re high right now, then Mega Piranha is exactly what you should be watching.

The movie starts out bat-shit-crazy, and spends the next 90 minutes getting more and more gloriously absurd. And the end doesn’t really end. Sure, the movie stops, but nothing is actually resolved. I’m not spoiling anything, you’ll know exactly what’s coming, but all the heroes accomplish in the end is a momentary reprieve. They don’t kill anything or stop the marauding band of piranha. All they do is stave off the inevitable for a few minutes, and in reality (I know, I know, I shouldn’t look for logic in a movie called Mega Piranha starring Tiffany as a geneticist) while they’re all busy hugging and celebrating, a swarm of very hungry fish would likely be devouring most of Florida.

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