Saturday, June 12, 2010

Get Him to the Greek

This was originally posted at BeyondHollywood.com


Someone needs to have an intervention for Jonah Hill. He looks like hell. His friends should sit him down and show him a career retrospective of Chris Farley as a cautionary tale. It isn’t just that he has gotten really big, he was always a stout young fella, but he does not look well in Get Him to the Greek, a loose sequel to 2008’s Forgetting Sarah Marshall, where he once again teams up with director Nicholas Stoller, producers Judd Apatow and Jason Segel, and costar Russell Brand.

Brand reprises his role as over-indulgent rock star Aldous Snow, who is recently off the wagon with a vengeance. Hill plays Aaron Green, not his role from the first movie, a low-level, idealistic record company employee. Right away you can tell that he’s in the business for the love because he has a wall of records in his apartment. This, of course, is cinematic shorthand for “this character listens to college radio”, a fact that is shortly reinforced when he name drops Mars Volta. Apparently the t-shirt and poster on the wall weren’t enough.

Aaron wants to enjoy the fringe benefits of his job, like a wild after party at Jay Z’s house, where his coworker, Aziz Ansari (who I like for the moment, but who I know that I will hate in six months after he is in every movie—see the cases of Seth Rogan and Jack Black, who I also used to enjoy, but now make me cringe) winds up with glitter on his dick. Instead of partying and having fun, Aaron is stuck at home with his perky doctor girlfriend Daphne (Elisabeth Moss), who just wants to sit on the couch and watch “like a hundred hours of Gossip Girl”. He puts up a pleasant façade, but is completely miserable in his home life.

Puff Daddy, who, like The Rock, I will never be able to call his given name, plays Sergio, the head of the record company, looking to increase profits. He gives Aaron the chance to fulfill a lifelong dream, to meet his idol, Aldous Snow, and escort him from London to Los Angeles for a concert. Daphne, however, wants to move to Seattle to follow her own dream. Aaron acts like a jackass, and they break up right before he leaves.

All of this build up is tedious and takes way too long. It’s heavy handed character development that delays the main narrative thrust, and most enjoyable part of the movie, the drug and alcohol fueled trek across the globe. The subplots with Aaron’s relationship with Daphne, and the parallel story with Snow and his ex, are forced and overly cumbersome. It is unneeded sentimentality, and even though he hooks up with multiple girls on his trip, he has some sort of epiphany that isn’t based on anything real, and tries to win her back. The emotion isn’t earned, and watching it, you ask why. He wasn’t happy, she wasn’t happy, they were emotionally dead, and despite what the movie tries to tell you, it feels formulaic, and like the wrong decision.

This is where Apatow’s hand is most clearly visible. Apparently it isn’t enough for a movie to just be funny, it has to be touching at the end. It worked in The 40 Year Old Virgin, Knocked Up, and Superbad, but it is really distracting in Get Him to the Greek. Forgetting Sarah Marshall is earnest and sweet, which is where it derives most of its charm, and they should have left it in that movie instead of trying to cram it in here. The happy ending feels obligatory.

The movie is most fun during the hazy party montages. Hill and Brand show off a frenetic energy as they bounce around the screen like carnival visions of excess. Their chemistry carries them through a series of excellent adventures, which are offset by more low-key moments, usually where the two are in transit from city to city, and further punctuated by a couple of dark scenes. Aldous going through heroin withdrawals reminds Aaron, and the audience, of the brutal, ugly side of this seemingly light-hearted lifestyle of endless partying. It is rough, and he looks like he has been slapped across the face when he realizes what’s going on.

Hill does what he does well, play a chubby smart ass with a good heart (except for the fact that he’s generally a prick to his girlfriend). He follows the exact same arc as his character in Superbad, so he’s not stretching himself at all here, but he’s personable and fun to watch, and that’s what people want to see.

From what I’ve seen of Brand, in movies, stand-up, and his hosting duties, he seems to be a one trick pony, but thus far in his career that one trick is pretty good, so I’m still on board. He is one of those actors that you look at and wonder if he is just playing himself, if he is playing a persona he created, or if he is actually acting. Either way, he plays a drug addled rock star with a certain zest, but, like I mentioned earlier with Aziz Ansari, the act is going to wear thin before too long. And “white African space Christ” is kind of brilliant.

And Puffy is also good. I heard he was good in Monster’s Ball, but I’ve never seen him act before, so the experience was strange to me. Sure his character is partially a spoof of himself, or at least of his public persona, but he is solid, and obviously having a lot of fun on screen. After he shows up in Las Vegas, it turns into the best scene of the entire movie, and at one point he tells the guy from the Neptunes that he looks like Carlton from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, a reference that will always earn points from me.

Ultimately, Get Him to the Greek is fun, but seriously flawed. The core of the movie is solid, but there are far too many superfluous subplots and asides that are a waste of time. Most of the emotional weight is strained and artificial, to say the least, and the entire film should have been much more streamlined. Seriously, the lone Napster joke isn’t enough to justify the amount of screen time given to fucking Lars Ulrich. But still, if you’re into any of the movies this crew has made, it is worth watching.

The Karate Kid (2010)

HE GOES TO CHINA AND HE LEARNS KUNG-FU!!!

Thursday, June 3, 2010

MacGruber

Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine that MacGruber of all movies would pose an intellectual quandary for me. It’s inexplicable, like the time I got choked up at the end of The Wedding Singer, which, though a commendable movie, is hardly worthy of tears.

Here is my problem. I went to see MacGruber (part of me can’t believe I willingly admit this) last weekend, and I have been putting off writing about it because, well, I can’t figure out how to write about it. I find myself unable to take a stance on the movie. After watching a movie I’ll often say something about how I enjoyed it while I was watching it, but I never have to think about it again. MacGruber certainly fits into this category, but not only do I never have to think about it again, I find myself unable to think about it. I know I watched a movie, but it is as if it didn’t stick.

There hasn’t been a movie based on a Saturday Night Live sketch in ten years, and it’s been way longer than that since there was a good one. I for one am glad that they stopped trying to squeeze ninety minute movies out of three minutes worth of material. SNL had an edge about it when I was young. It was where Bill Murray and John Belushi came from. Chevy Chase and Dan Akroyd were still funny then. They were known for pushing boundaries and doing new things. The fact that it was on so late added to the feel, but when I was in junior high and started to watch the show regularly there was an adolescent air of danger. The show was relegated to the middle of the night, almost like it was banished, and it was an accomplishment to stay up through an entire episode.

But, like the movies SNL spawned, it hasn’t been good in a long time. And in the pursuit of a greater level of honesty, watching the shows of the late ‘80s and early ‘90s that I have romanticized in my mind, they weren’t very good either.

Now why did they pick the MacGruber sketches to make a new movie? Did they somehow become ridiculously popular and I missed it? That is certainly possible. I’m not exactly plugged into the pulse of popular culture. Bu still, I have to ask why? They aren’t funny. Not even a little bit. They’re fucking awful. I do like Will Forte, but that is based solely on bit parts in 30 Rock and How I Met Your Mother. Everything else he’s ever done is a worthless pile of garbage, including the MacGruber sketches.

That said, MacGruber the movie is far better than I expected it to be. And I remember laughing in the theater, but I for the life of me I can’t remember a single specific thing that I laughed at. The cast is decent. They score points with me for including Powers Boothe, who plays it straight as a military higher up. Ryan Phillippe is passable as a straight-laced sidekick. A bloated Val Kilmer plays the bad guy. I don’t even hate Kristen Wiig in this movie, and I fucking despise her. I don’t personally want to hit her in the face, but I do want someone to punch her in the face. Come to think of it, that’s a pretty good illustration of how bland and harmless this movie is. I didn’t even hate people that I hate.

At least they didn’t waste a lot of time with character or plot. Ten years ago Val Kilmer killed MacGruber’s wife on their wedding day. More recently he stole a nuclear missile and is going to nuke America. MacGruber has to come out of retirement to stop him. That’s it. You know exactly what is going to happen at any given moment. Knowing what you now know about the story, imagine what you think the plot is going to be. You’re probably right.

Even the profanity, and I love me some profanity, is middle of the road. I can’t tell if the filmmakers think they’re doing something shocking (it feels like that’s what they’re trying for), but even that aspect of the movie entirely forgettable. It is no longer shocking to have the protagonist say absurdly (and I use this word lightly) dirty things during a sex scene, it’s been done before, many times, and done better.

It is mind blowing how completely innocuous this movie is. It is not good. It is not bad. Sure, it is way better than Cop Out, fuck that movie, but at least I had something to say about Cop Out. I hated it. Sitting through that pile of human offal made me angry. However, when I think about MacGruber, I feel absolutely nothing.

All I can say with absolute certainty is that MacGruber is a movie.

LAST MINUTE ADDENDUM: I just remembered one thing. MacGruber does have a lot of Under Siege/Roadhouse style throat rippings, which is good. But this positive element is offset by the failure of a number of running gags that take up too much time and space (the one with his MacGruber’s car stereo is vaguely humorous the first time, but the subsequent dozen times it pops up will make you cringe), thus the complete evenness of this movie is maintained.

RIP Rue McClanahan

You will be missed, dear friend.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Mega Piranha

Mega Piranha is amazing. I’m not going to get into the story or plot or the lengths the producers go to hide the fact that Tiffany (yes, that Tiffany) has packed on a few pounds since her teen-pop-tart days. None of the usual stuff is important. None of it matters when you’re trying to decide whether or not to watch Mega Piranha.

You probably already know whether or not you’re going to watch it just from the title, but here are a few things that may further influence your decision. One, a guy who looks like a lost O’Connell brother bicycle kicks a dozen or more flying genetically engineered super piranha. Two, there are genetically engineered super piranha the size of buildings. Three, if you are lucky enough to have the actual DVD and don’t just stumble across it on SyFy late one night, you will see some unnecessary boobs in the opening scene. There is nothing particularly special about these unnecessary boobs, but when you watch “Making of Mega Piranha” feature in the bonus material, the line producer (who, despite having never worked on anything of any value to anyone ever, seems to think that he is hot shit) tells the story of how these unnecessary boobs came to be. Turns out that the crew was in Belize and “needed” a couple of actresses to go topless. (Apparently I was wrong and the boobs are actually quite important to the movie.) They were having trouble finding local actresses willing to remove their tops, a reticence I completely understand, so line producer went to a whorehouse and bought two prostitutes who had no problem letting a bunch of foreigners film them naked on a boat while pretending to be eaten by genetically enhanced fish. (It is probably not the weirdest thing that they’ve been asked to do.) So, whilst watching Mega Piranha, know with certainty that the unnecessary boobs in the opening scene are not just unnecessary, they belong to prostitutes, real prostitutes. You aren’t just looking at boobs, you are looking at hooker boobs.

If none of that makes you want to watch Mega Piranha, then you probably don’t want to watch it. But be honest, you never had any intention of watching it anyway, so why lie? On the other hand, if any of that sounds like a good time, if you watched and enjoyed Mega Shark Vs. Giant Octopus or any of the Boa Vs. Python movies, or if you’re high right now, then Mega Piranha is exactly what you should be watching.

The movie starts out bat-shit-crazy, and spends the next 90 minutes getting more and more gloriously absurd. And the end doesn’t really end. Sure, the movie stops, but nothing is actually resolved. I’m not spoiling anything, you’ll know exactly what’s coming, but all the heroes accomplish in the end is a momentary reprieve. They don’t kill anything or stop the marauding band of piranha. All they do is stave off the inevitable for a few minutes, and in reality (I know, I know, I shouldn’t look for logic in a movie called Mega Piranha starring Tiffany as a geneticist) while they’re all busy hugging and celebrating, a swarm of very hungry fish would likely be devouring most of Florida.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Epic Movie

I was bored. Really, really bored. Which is hard to do, because I’m entertained by pretty much anything you put in front of me. I’m easy. If it’s on TV, I’ll probably watch it.

So there I am, bored, on the couch, a little sick, a little groggy, and what do I stumble upon? Epic Movie, that’s what.

Now there are some great spoof movies. Airplane!, I’m Gonna Git You Sucka, and Not Another Teen Movie (which is the last great spoof movie—if you don’t believe me, watch it, that shit is gold) spring readily to mind. Epic Movie does not belong in the same category with any of these other movies. Realistically I didn’t expect it to be good. I didn’t even expect to laugh much. But, especially in my semi-delirious state of mind, I thought I would laugh a little. Yeah, that didn’t happen. Instead I just got sad when I remembered that Crispin Glover is in this movie for some reason. That was a bummer.

After watching Epic Movie I felt bad about the choices I’ve made in my life that led me to the moment where I thought, “maybe I should watch Epic Movie.” Even by my extraordinarily low standards this movie is a waste of time. It isn’t funny, the jokes and references are forced and awkward, and that’s all the time I’m going to devote to thinking about it, otherwise I may start to cry.

In the future, when time travel is available to the general public, I fully intend to go back to the moment in my living room right before I pushed play, and stop myself from making this terrible mistake. I want to erase this ugly chapter from my memory. My life will be better for it.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Lost

Apparently I am the only one left who doesn't give a shit about Lost.