Sister Lu (Katie Cassidy, Arrow), short for Lucretia, is having a crisis of faith. We first meet her waking up naked in bed with two men, surrounded by empty bottles of booze and piles of cocaine. That kind of crisis of faith. She then dons her habit and meets her mentor, and the Vatican’s highest ranking exorcist, Father Novak (William H. Macy showing up for a few day’s work), on a train. Lu’s burned every last bridge except this one and she’s got a lit match in her hand. When a demon possesses a fellow passenger, Lu must do something or everyone on the train will die.
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This all sounds like it has the potential to be a total blast, right? Like maybe we’re in for a wild, campy grindhouse throwback. Sadly, that is far from the case. Played totally straight and po-faced, it’s a terminable slog. It’s not scary, there’s nothing particularly interesting, it’s essentially characters walking back and forth in a train car for 90 minutes. The only time Cassidy even shows much personality is a scene where Lu pounds tequila shots in the bar car.
Lu is joined by a grab bag of supporting players on this ill-fated ride. There’s an archeologist who becomes possessed, a pickpocket, and a guy who’s defining character trait is that he’s a dick. There’s a former soldier with a vague heart condition and his girlfriend, whose personality is limited to “girlfriend of guy with heart condition.” And, of course, a young girl who functions as a walking exposition machine and who is wildly, specifically knowledgeable about both trains and demons, among other useful topics. She does, at one point, tell Lu, “Don’t pray for him, he’s being mean to me,” so that’s fun.
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Speed Demon plays out as expected and generally in the shallowest way possible. Yes, Lu grapples with her faith, but not in any real insight or in any depth. The film makes overtures at criticizing sexist double standards within the Catholic Church, but again, not in any substantive fashion. Even the plot tries to tie back to Lu’s past and the personal demons that haunt her, but it’s also kicked off by a random occurrence. There’s little weight or substance to back literally anything up and as a result, there’s little to hook or engage the audience.
There are a few standout visual moments, like a possessed woman vomiting fireflies, but overall, this is an unremarkable looking film. Aside from a few establishing drone shots of a cityscape, it’s primarily a flat palate of bland grays and drab browns shot inside a few cramped, poorly lit interior sets.
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All of this adds up to a big ol’ shrug of a movie, which feels like a minor sin. Again, Speed Demon is about a drunk nun battling a demon on a moving train. That sounds like a fine time, but it is not this movie, this movie is dull and plodding. There’s only one moment where this feels winking or fun or even aware of how unhinged the premise is, and that’s the final scene, which sets up a sequel that could be so, so incredible. [Grade: C-]
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