Blu-ray/DVD Review: 'Horror Express'

Peter Cushing, Christopher Lee, and Telly Savalas in a Spanish horror film from the writers of “Psychomania”? Thank you, Severin Films, you always know just what I want. This time I’m talking about the new Blu-ray release of Eugenio Martin’s 1972 genre jaunt, “Horror Express”. There’s a droning, discordant score; major, highly questionable plot points that are simply glossed over and pushed aside with a wave of the hand; and, most importantly, a brain-sucking monster loose on a trans-Siberian train. What’s not to like about that? “Horror Express” is classic, grainy, low-budget horror. It is weird and gory, the plot goes in unexpected directions and there are eyeballs and blood and brains and scalpels, and is just as much fun as all of that sounds.

DVD Review: 'Spartacus: Gods of the Arena'

It feels strange to write a review of “Spartacus: Gods of the Arena” right now, just a short few days after the untimely passing of actor Andy Whitfield, who played the titular gladiator in “Spartacus: Blood and Sand”, the series that preceded “Gods of the Arena”. Despite the absence of Spartacus, and Whitfield, in “Gods of the Arena”, he looms in the background, largely because if not for Whitfield’s well-publicized battle with non-Hodgkin Lymphoma, the six-episode mini-series likely wouldn’t have happened. When Whitfield was originally diagnosed he stepped down from the show, a huge hit for the Starz network. While producers of the show frantically searched for a new leading man, eventually selecting Liam McIntyre, the idea for “Gods of the Arena” first came about. It will be curious how the series carries on without Whitfield. The more I watched “Blood and Sand”, the more he carried the bulk of the workload, and he will be missed.

'The Smurfs' Movie Review

“The Smurfs” is so smurfing sweet that you’ll want to smurfing puke all over the smurfing place. I’m not going to make excuses, I knew exactly what I was getting myself into when I made the conscious decision to go see “The Smurfs”. Somehow I deluded myself into thinking that it might be fun, and even kind of subversive if handled right. After all, I loved the Smurfs as a child. I watched the cartoon, I had this sing-a-long record that I absolutely adored called “The Smurfs All-Star Show”, and I’m pretty sure that I had a Smurfs pillowcase.

'Cowboys and Aliens' Movie Review

Cowboys & Aliens isn’t a bad movie, it just isn’t particularly good. You knew going in that it was going to be ridiculous, and possibly a little bit silly—it is called Cowboys & Aliens after all—but it commits the one cardinal sin that a movie like this absolutely cannot commit; it’s boring. This should be a wild, raucous, hootin’ an’ hollerin’ good time, but it comes across as tepid and uninspired.

DVD Review: 'Things'

“Things” makes it feel like you’ve been magically transported back to your youth. It’s a crisp Friday night in fall, and you’re sleeping over at your buddy’s place. Your buddy who just so happens to have cable. The plan is to drink a two-liter of cherry soda, each, and stay up all night watching scary movies. There’ll be plenty of time to sleep all day Saturday, especially since your parents won’t let you play football like you wanted to. So you down your soda, much on some red vines, and hunker down on the couch, promising your pal’s mom that you, “won’t stay up too late.” Somewhere around two or three in the morning, later than your adolescent self has ever stayed awake before, “Things”, or a movie like it, would come on an obscure channel, and it was like Christmas morning for your sugar-addled, sleep-deprived little mind. Like it or not, that film was seared into your consciousness forever.

'Green Lantern' Movie Review

So far this summer movie season has been a pretty good time for comic book adaptations. “Thor” was far better than I expected, and, though I haven’t managed to drag my sorry ass to the theater yet, “X-Men: First Class” is getting thumbs-up reviews from all over the place. With “Captain America” still to come, it seemed that the summer was destined to be dominated by Marvel, but not entirely. DC gets into the act this weekend with their big-budget big-screen version of “Green Lantern”. With it, we have another worthy, entertaining superhero flick with which to while away our precious summer hours. Just a heads up, I’m not particularly familiar with the source material, so I can’t comment on how closely the story sticks to comics, or how many little in jokes there are, but even from my removed perspective it is a damn blast.

'The Catechism Cataclysm' Movie Review

When a movie starts with flames and blackmetal, you know you’re onto something. That’s exactly how “The Catechism Cataclysm”, the latest, crazy-ass indie comedy from director Todd Rohal, starts out, and it only builds from there. The film is kind of a road trip, kind of a voyage of self-discovery, and kind of an “Apocalypse Now” style journey into a chaotic, surreal hell. It is a tribute to Rohal, who also wrote the script, that despite being absurd, irrational, and at first glance, unsound, that “Catechism” is ultimately an entertaining, surprisingly watchable movie.

'Burke and Hare' Movie Review

What’s not to like about a black comedy about grave robbers starring Simon Pegg and directed by John Landis? Nothing, that’s what. Throw in Jessica Hynes and you’ve got a miniature “Spaced” reunion. And what the hell, why not add Gollum himself, Andy Serkis, into the mix just to up the creepy factor? You get all of this and more from the new film “Burke and Hare”. While not earth shattering, this is Landis’ best feature film since “Beverly Hills Cop III”—though he did helm a couple of episodes of “Psych”, which I have to give him credit for.

'Detention' Movie Review

Is it time to start wistfully longing for the 1990s already? Since “Take Me Home Tonight”—which oddly enough I did enjoy—was pretty much the last nail in the 80s nostalgia coffin, it makes sense that things would start moving in that direction. That’s the definite impression that you get from “Detention”, Joseph Kahn’s first feature film since 2004’s “Torque”, though he’s stayed busy working music videos for high profile pop artists. The movie is a mash up of horror, time travel, and teenybopper comedy, and doesn’t so much have plot as a lot of excuses to reference earlier days of music, fashion, and popular culture. You’ve never seen so many nods to the Backstreet Boys.

'Red Eagle' Movie Review

If movies like “RoboCop” are to be believed, the near future is going to be a festering cesspool of violence and corruption. It must be true, because no matter what era “near future” we’re talking about, the prediction is roughly the same. So, you should probably be on the look out in the next few years and be prepared. Thai director Wisit Sasanatieng’s (“Tears of the Black Tiger”) new superhero film, “Red Eagle”, a remake/homage to a 1960s action series, holds to this bleak vision. When the world is going to hell, and in desperate need of a savior, up steps Red Eagle.

'High Road' Movie Review

For years I’ve used appreciation of “Upright Citizens Brigade” as a litmus test for friendship. That’s not an attempt to be clever or anything like that, it’s actually true. At some point I realized that something about my sense of humor lined up so completely with the sketch comedy of Amy Peohler and company that those people who didn’t enjoy it, weren’t generally people I usually got along with. How can you not love the “Bucket of Truth”? If I show a new entry into my social circle my well-worn DVD copy of season one, and they don’t laugh, I generally distance myself from them. That may sound harsh, but it’s served me well (and had these measures been enacted earlier, they could have saved me many headaches and heartbreaks). Given my proclivities, of course when I heard that Matt Walsh, one of the founding members of UCB, was going to be at the Seattle International Film Festival hyping his directorial debut, “High Road”, I giggled like a little girl.

'Fast Five' Movie Review

There’s a running theory in my house that The Rock, also known as Dwayne Johnson (sorry buddy, but you’ll always be The Rock to me), and Vin Diesel are actually the same being. Like they’re different versions of the same dude from parallel dimensions, or some sci-fi trope like that. They make similar movies. Couldn’t you imagine Diesel playing the protagonist in “Faster”, or The Rock with silly looking sunglasses bouncing around space in the “Riddick” movies. Even the children’s films they do, like “The Pacifier” (Diesel) and “The Toothfairy” (Rock), could have gone either way. Now before you get your panties in all twisted in a fit of rage and start bombarding the comment section with snarky notes about how I’m obviously a dumbass who has never seen a movie before, I’m just trying to say that I imagine that there are a lot of casting lists in Hollywood with these guys in spots one and two, that’s all.

'Sucker Punch' Movie Review

Watching “Sucker Punch” is like watching some creepy old dude’s rape fantasy masquerading as a female empowerment story for young women. Apparently all teenage-looking girls need to do to transcend sexual assault is to do a seductive (read awkward) dance to hypnotize their would-be attackers and flee into their imaginations. One of the five female leads is almost raped every few minutes. People are going to describe “Sucker Punch” with words like “hot”, “sexy”, and “sensual”, but more accurate words are gross and skeevy, not to mention painfully long and repetitious.

'Paul' Movie Review

As a concept, “Paul” has more potential than any film to come around the bend in a long, long time. First and foremost the film stars Simon Pegg and Nick Frost, who also handled the scripting duties, and since Pegg is largely responsible for movies like “Shaun of the Dead” and “Hot Fuzz”, you can’t be blamed for expecting big things. Add Greg Mottola (“Superbad”, “Adventureland”) to this mix, and you seem like you’re well on your way to something wonderful.

'Fubar: Balls to the Wall' Movie Review

If you haven’t seen “Fubar” I only have one question for you. What the hell, man, are you serious? I’m not kidding around when I say these words, drop whatever you’re doing (and lets be honest, if you’re reading this, whatever you were doing wasn’t very important to begin with) and go rent it immediately. It’s one of those movies that as soon as I saw it for the first time I sat down everyone I encountered for the next week and forced them to watch it. And then they made everyone watch it, and they made everyone watch it, and it was like a giant pyramid scheme, only so, so good. One friend spent the entire movie gawking at the screen, giggling like a simple-minded idiot-boy, which in my book counts as glowing praise.

'Red Riding Hood' Movie Review

Here is all you really need to know about “Red Riding Hood”—Gary Oldman tortures a retarded boy in what is best described as a giant metal torture elephant. You may need a moment to digest this information, but rest assured, Gary Oldman does in fact torture a retarded boy in a giant metal torture elephant. Here’s how the device works. The intended torture victim, retarded or not, is locked inside a hollow metal elephant. A fire is then lit underneath to heat up the metal, and, in this case, broil the young, screaming boy inside. Perhaps this contraption has other applications, but this is the only one you see in the film.

'Beastly' Movie Review

There are certain stories that are told and retold on screen, generation after generation. “Cinderella” is one, and “Romeo and Juliet” is another. “Beauty and the Beast” also belongs to this club. My personal favorite version is the Ron Perlman/Linda Hamilton TV joint from the mid 80s, but much of my generation is enamored with the animated Disney rendition, and has a special place set aside in their collective hearts for that film. Now I have love for Angela Lansbury, and who can forget Jerry Orbach (RIP), and who am I to tell an entire generation that they’re wrong, so I’ll chalk this up to individual preferences. I firmly believe that time will prove me right.

'Take Me Home Tonight' Movie Review

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'I Am Number Four' Movie Review

Teen angst, this is my friend, aliens. Aliens, meet my old pal, teen angst. That’s how I imagine the introductions going were, you know, teen angst and aliens actual people. There are all manner of films about angsty teen vampires, angsty teen werewolves, angsty teen wizards, and, hopefully soon, angsty teen necromancers. It was only a matter of time before someone paired the story of an angsty teen with the drama of an alien invasion. Thinking about it, it seems inevitable, and a little shocking that it hasn’t happen sooner. But happen it does in D.J. Caruso’s new film “I Am Number Four”.

'Season of the Witch' Movie Review

“Season of the Witch” has been a long time coming. The film has been in some stage of production in one form or another since 2000 when Bragi F. Schut first wrote the script. Originally scheduled for a March 2010 release, then again in October 2010, “Season of the Witch” finally hits theaters at the tail end of the first week of 2011. And goddamn if it wasn’t worth the wait. In reality “Season of the Witch” isn’t all that good, but it’s not all that good in the most entertaining way possible. Completely mis-marketed as an epic, 14th century adventure, this is one of the funniest, most ridiculous movies to come out in a long time. There are times when “Season” borders on slapstick, and even more moments when you fully expect the entire cast of “Monty Python” poke their heads around a corner.