I understand very little in this world as much I understand going on a kill-crazy rampage because someone fucked with your dog (or pets in general). Seriously, I’d murder every last one of you for my dogs, which is why a movie like John Wick speaks to me on such a deep level. I also love Bruce Willis, despite the fact that we probably wouldn’t get along at all in real life. But combine Bruce Willis with a movie about a dude fucking people up to get his dog back, and I’m in. If that sounds like your jam, you should probably watch the trailer for Once Upon a Time in Venice.
This Once Upon a Time in Venice trailer really has it all. A cute dog; Bruce Willis playing that same world-weary, slightly racist, beaten-down private eye he’s been playing for like 30 fucking years in one form or another; John Goodman on a surfboard; and Jason Momoa playing a Mexican gangster for some reason. The plot is basically Keanu, but with Bruce Willis and a dog instead of Key & Peele and a kitten.
I’m not even sure where I’m going with this. Once Upon a Time in Venice looks straight-up terrible. What I can’t tell is if it’s going to be my kind of terrible or just plain bad. This trailer makes it look absurd enough that I may totally enjoy it, even with the god-awful attempts at humor. (Holy shit some of those jokes are brutal, and trailers are supposed to make you want to watch a movie, right?)
But, and this but his huge, it’s also the directorial debut of sibling writer duo Mark and Robb Cullen. For those unfamiliar with their work, they’re the writers behind Kevin Smith’s Bruce Willis-starring debacle Cop Out, which has the distinction of making me angrier than almost any other movie in history—it incites an irrational rage I can neither explain nor contain. When I reviewed it in 2010, I theorized that Kevin Smith owed them money, they saved his life, or they kidnapped his child. It’s fucking atrocious. (Then again, we all know what’s become of Kevin Smith’s career after Cop Out, so, maybe the Cullens aren’t entirely at fault for that one. Though it doesn’t exactly inspire confidence.)
Still, I’ve watched some terrible Bruce Willis movies in recent years, and when you combine him with a cute dog and John Goodman, I’m most likely going to watch this, too. I’ve watched movies for far less.
Once Upon a Time in Venice also stars Adam Goldberg, Famke Janssen, Thomas Middleditch, Kal Penn, and more, and opens (or, more likely, hits DTV/VOD markets) on June 16.
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