Monday, January 2, 2017

It's Going To Be Good: 25 Most Anticipated Movies Of 2017

2016 is in the books and took with it countless celebrities, lingering notions of human decency, and my expectations of not being annihilated in a nuclear war started by a buffoon’s Twitter account. But as we prepare for the impending Mad Max/Red Dawn-style apocalypse, we still have a ton of movies to look forward to between now and imminent death. And here are the ones flying high on my radar.

I left off a lot of obvious choices. (Most) superhero movies chief among them. Yes, I’m stoked for Wonder Woman and Spider-Man: Homecoming. So is everyone else. Yes, I realize my logic is a wee bit inconsistent (there may or may not be a StarWars movie to be found on this list). But I don’t care, I rule my minor fiefdom with the unyielding power of a syphilis-mad tyrant. So there.

I’m sure some of these movies will ultimatley suck, but what the hell, I’m optimistic and excited for them now.

John Wick: Chapter 2—February 10, 2017—I hope bad guys never learn to stop fucking with John Wick, because as long as Keanu Reeves wants to shoot villainous goons in the head, I want to watch him do it.

A Cure for Wellness—February 17, 2017—Gore Verbinski hasn’t blown anyone away for a while, but his saga of a young executive retrieving a CEO from a mysterious wellness center looks weird as shit. I just hope it lives up to the wingnut, WTF sensibility the trailers put out.

Get Out—February 24, 2017—Jordan Peele’s racially charged horror debut sounds great, couldn’t be more timely, and looks fantastically strange, not to mention scary as hell.

Headshot—February 2017—An all-star martial arts bone-breaker about a badass amnesiac, helmed by the Mo Brothers, fronted by The Raid’s Iko Uwais. I don’t need anything else.

Logan—March 3, 2017—From all appearances, Hugh Jackman’s final turn as the titular mutant promises to be the dark, gritty, violent Wolverine story we’ve always wanted.

Raw—March 10, 2017—A French cannibal story that’s so graphic people fainted during screenings at film festivals. You have my undivided attention.

Free Fire—March 17, 2017—Ben Wheatley, a crazy amazing cast, and absurd amounts of cinematic firepower. There is nothing about this I don’t love.

The Fate of the Furious—April 14, 2017—Dominic Toretto playing the heel and turning his back on his family? Say it ain’t so, Vin Diesel, say it ain’t so.

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2—May 5, 2017—The intergalactic A-holes are back, and I couldn’t be more psyched.

Alien: Covenant—May 19, 2017—Prometheus left many cold, but the next return to the Alien universe looks brutal, vicious, and nasty. In other words, damn near perfect.

War for the Planet of the Apes—July 14, 2017—A far better franchise than anyone anticipated, in the latest Apes adventure, Caesar and company battle Woody Harrelson in what looks like an Apocalypse Now-style war movie. Hence the title.

Dunkirk—July 21, 2017—Christopher Nolan making a World War II epic based on one of the most harrowing operations in military history. Nuff said.

Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets—July 21, 2017—Already being compared to his The Fifth Element, Luc Besson’s latest sci-fi tale is big, brash, and best of all, weird as hell.

Baby Driver—August 11, 2017—A real-time, Edgar Wright-directed crime thriller about a young getaway driver and a doomed heist. What more do I need to say?

Blade Runner 2049—October 6, 2017—Long gestating sequels are a dicey proposition, but in Denis Villeneuve’s hands, this one looks well worth the three-decade wait.

Untitled Cloverfield Movie—October 27, 2017—Formerly titled God Particle, if these pseudo-Cloverfield follow up are remotely as good as the last one, 10 Cloverfield Lane, I’ll keep right on watching.

Star Wars: Episode VIII—December 15, 2017—It’s a Star Wars movie, of course I’m excited about it. Rian Johnson just sweetens the deal.

Downsizing—December 22, 2017—Alexander Payne shrinks Matt Damon in a sci-fi satire set in a world where, to save space, people literally miniaturize themselves.

Pitch Perfect 3—December 22, 2017—Do you even aca-know me at all?

Annihilation—2017—After Ex-Machina, anything Alex Garland does immediately becomes a must watch.

The Bad Batch—2017—Ana Lily Amirpour follows up A Girl Walks Home Alone at Night with a dystopian love story set amongst post-apocalyptic cannibals. I love everything about that.

Colossal—2017—Nacho Vigalondo, an incredible cast, and a massive kaiju creature? Yes, please.

Okja—2017—Like Colossal: Bong Joon-ho, an incredible international cast, and a massive pig monster? Yes, please, again.

Suburbicon—2017—With a huge-name cast, director George Clooney works from a 1950s-set script written by the Coen Brothers right after they dropped Blood Simple. I am so game.

Under the Silver Lake—2017—It Follows helmer David Robert Mitchell follows his indie horror hit with a modern noir set in present day Los Angeles. Hell, yeah.

There are even more movies I’m stoked to see, like Kong: Skull Island, Kingsman: The Golden Circle, Trainspotting 2, War on Everyone, and The Book of Henry. I'm pumped as hell to see The Girl with All the Gifts. I kind of want to see The Mummy reboot, sort of Ghost in the Shell, I want to want to see the revamped Suspiria, the latest Friday the 13th remake is just going to make me sad, again, and I’m even curious about xXx: Return of Xander Cage. I mean, come on, he skis through a jungle and surfs a motorcycle.

Then there are the things aren’t even on my radar yet. We’ve got Sundance coming up shortly, Cannes, all the fall film festivals, and, most importantly, genre-heavy events like Fantastic Fest and the TIFF. It’s practically an annual tradition for those last two to drop at least a few of my yearly favorites.

And I know it’s not a movie, but I’m super jazzed for Hulu’s adaptation of Margaret Atwood’s The Handmaid’s Tale, which, given the current direction of the world, couldn’t be timed any better.

I’m sure I forgot a number of titles, but let me know what you’re looking forward watching before we’re all irradiated, bombed by an irate world superpower, or society collapses into all-out post-apocalyptic mayhem.

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