Thursday, January 19, 2017

'xXx: Return Of Xander Cage' (2017) Movie Review



xXx: Return of Xander Cage is nonsense garbage. But holy shit if it isn’t the most entertaining nonsense garbage I’ve seen in some time. Sit down, strap in, and prepare turn the person in the next seat and ask, “what?” repeatedly. All while wearing an irrepressible idiot grin from ear to ear.


In reality, I think the only person who wanted another xXx movie to happen was star Vin Diesel. The 2002 original certainly has a bit of a cult-ish following, but the Ice Cube-fronted 2005 sequel, xXx: State of the Union gets little such love. But that’s part of the magic that is Vin Diesel. Somehow, through sheer force of will and can-do attitude, he manages to get projects off the ground when no one else in the world cares. I have to admire the determination.



I was not screaming for this movie. Even with my proclivities for action trash, I’m not a fan of it’s X-Games-inspired predecessor that thinks it’s way too cool for school but was dated before it hit theaters. That said, xXx: Return of Xander Cage is a majestic blinding flash of absurdity; of WTF, physics-defying, nonsensical mayhem. It’s glorious. There were scenes where all I could do was slow clap. There’s a moment where I threw my hands up as if in triumphant victory. I didn’t stop smiling or giggling for the 107-minute runtime.

xXx tries to be edgy—the stench of desperation overpowers as it practically begs the audience to think it’s cool. In direct opposition, xXx: Return of Xander Cage knows precisely the movie it is and the movie it wants to be. It’s claptrap action chaos. Instead of a plot, F. Scott Frazier’s script stacks up one manic scene on top of another, in a kind of “let’s throw out the craziest shit we can think of, physically possible or not, and see what happens.”



It feels like the movie sprang to life from a night of drunken one-upsmanship and escalating dares between Frazier, Vin Diesel, and director D.J. Caruso. Like Frazier shouting, “I bet you can’t make a dude ski through the jungle.” And Caruso responding, “I bet I can, motherfucker.” I can’t picture another way this movie was created, and I love it.

I hate it when people say you need to turn off your brain to enjoy a movie, but in the case of xXx: Return of Xander Cage, think about it too hard and you may pull something. It’s like the cinematic personification of that lunkhead in high school who rammed his skull into a locker at full speed to make his buddies laugh. It’s dumb as shit, but in a remarkably endearing way.



When the unimaginatively named device, “Pandora’s Box,” falls into the wrong hands, satellites start dropping from the sky. The only person who can possibly save the day is extreme sports enthusiast Xander Cage (Vin Diesel), who, as it turns out, isn’t actually dead—you probably guessed that from the title of the movie. He assembles his team of ne’er-do-wells and hooligans (as well as his trusty fur coat) and sets out to stop the bad guys and hump every sexy lady he sees. Unfortunately for all of us, the villains don’t have a dope ass name like Anarchy 99 this time. Could have done better on that front, after all, what’s a cadre of international baddies without a catchy moniker?

There’s a sniper named Adele (Ruby Rose), who uses her skills to “even the odds” against big game hunters; Nicks (Kris Wu), who is best described as what I call a tactical DJ; a madman named Tennyson Torch (Game of Thrones’ Rory McCann), who’s primary skillset seems to be crashing cars for no reason; uptight tech nerd Becky (Nina Dobrev), who may or may not have a sex swing; and an NSA goon, Jane Marke, played by Toni Collette, who has a gleefully campy time as the shady government spook. On the other side are Xiang (the legendary Donnie Yen), Serena (Bollywood star Deepika Padukone), Hawk (UFC middleweight champ Michael Bisping), and Talon (general badass Tony Jaa, who I’m fairly certain is just playing human rooster, all the way to his twitch head movements and bleached out faux hawk).



xXx: Return of Xander Cage obviously builds its foundation on the action, stitched together by minimally coherent plot gymnastics. It’s more the complete absurdity of the on screen spectacle that sells the action rather than the mechanical achievement. It’s sound, but on a purely technical level, it’s rather unremarkable.

The content is what makes the action stand out. Okay, we want a chase scene where they surf on motorcycles or have a zero gravity fist fight as a cargo jet plummets to the ground. And Caruso and company make this happen without regard for plausibility, reality, science, or any of those other pesky elements that get in the way. On a fundamental level, the action peaks with Donnie Yen, who has a handful of badass fight scenes. xXx 3 generally underutilizes Tony Jaa and Michael Bisping, which is a shame.



Admittedly, xXx: Return of Xander Cage sags in the middle. It’s simply impossible to maintain the initial velocity, and the momentum flags as the script pauses to cram in ill-timed character beats; flip-flopping, thinly motivated shifts in allegiance; or when Vin Diesel takes a moment to opine on the current state of the world. Oh great, Xander and Serena have a three-minute conversation about their tattoos, awesome—though we do finally get the backstory on Xander’s sweet flaming nipple tattoo, so there’s that.

xXx: Return of Xander Cage isn’t for everyone, but it has a specific niche—fans of Andy Sidaris films like Hard Ticket to Hawaii should take note, this may well become your new jam. But those in the mood for campy, winking, bonkers action mayhem, look no further. [Grade: B+]


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